MY Story
THEN…
I grew up in the suburbs of the San Francisco Bay Area, nestled between the 1980’s and 90’s, in a cozy middle-class home with two parents who were happily married. From the outside, my life looked like a dream to most. My family was known for being fun party animals and many of my friends envied me, always saying I had the coolest parents.
The problem was that my immediate family (mom, dad, and I) functioned on me being the scapegoat. This means any time we experienced conflict, it could never be because my parents needed to grow or change. The only reason we ever experienced conflict was, in their eyes (and therefore in mine as well), because there was something wrong with me. I was “too sensitive” and I got the message that I didn’t belong in my family from a very young age. This ongoing complex trauma manifested in my adulthood as disordered eating, functioning alcoholism, sexual promiscuity, and a slew of unsatisfying relationships with emotionally unavailable and abusive men.
I woke up to the truth of what was happening in my life in 2011 when I gained 50 pounds back for the third time. I had been living in a hell inside my mind/body/spirit, obsessed with dieting, punishing myself with exercise, and hyper-fixed on my appearance. And the worst part was, I thought there was something wrong with me that needed to be fixed. I had no idea that I had experienced trauma because my parents had programmed me to believe they were perfect and that I was defective for having an issue with how I was treated.
Regularly my father would yell at me, intimidate me, and shame me. He was generally dissatisfied with my existence and this devastated me. As a child and teen, I spent a lot of time in emotional pain in my room alone, crying myself to sleep often. When I would approach my mother in confusion, she would defend my father’s actions and say “he’s just trying to help you” and “he loves you,” and because of this I learned to associate abuse with love, on a subconscious level. I’ve spent many years clearing my father’s abusive voice (and my mom’s gaslighting) out of my consciousness, and replacing them with one that is compassionate, gentle, and loving.
It wasn’t always horrible of course. I have fond memories of birthday parties, summers houseboating on the lake, and singing karaoke at the local pizza parlor. Healing is about getting to a place where we are genuinely grateful for it all, even the pain, and we have compassion for (and boundaries with!) those who hurt us. It’s a process… and forgiveness and gratitude are never to be forced.
AND NOW…
Today I have formed emotionally healthy and securely attached bonds with, what I like to call, my soul tribe. Some of my relatives and friends from the past have stuck with me. Some understand the transformation I’ve gone through and support me. They are willing to be vulnerable and work through conflict in a way that is healing for both of us and they want to grow together with me. I now hold and nurture relationships based in love and freedom instead of shame and control.
What makes me most proud is the relationship I’ve built with my beautiful daughter, Harper. She trusts me to take ownership of my wounds and heal so that I don’t project my pain onto her. She gets to witness me growing and changing in a way that is self-compassionate and gentle and she gets to feel how that makes me a better mother every day.
I have a much more stable relationship with self-nourishment and movement, and with the exception of a glass of wine to go with a fancy meal on occasion, I don’t drink at all. I don’t particularly enjoy the feeling of being buzzed anymore but I still love the taste of a good food/wine pairing for the sensory pleasure of being human… on occasion. We are meant to enjoy our human bodies in a balanced way and when we create a life we don’t have to cope with, the coping mechanisms naturally fall away, without force.
I have a wonderful partner who relates to me in ways that make me feel precious and valued. He is committed to his own healing and we have created a relationship where we are not afraid of accountability and we are able to love one another through challenges. We are a safe space for one another to become aware of maladaptive behavior patterns within us and grow into beneficial ways of relating with ourselves, each other, and the world. I’m so grateful to be here on this planet living out my purpose and using my gifts to support the awakening and healing of our collective heart. I’m so proud of myself for turning my pain into gold and my child self is grateful to live authentically, through me, more and more each day. The better it gets, the better it gets.
“The power to heal, the power to envision, the power to increase, the power to reveal, and the power to command miracles, lives in you. ”